S again

So S and I have reconnected. It’s weird but I feel like I can handle it better now, with the buffer of M between us. S seems less vital to me now, and I feel as though I can handle the base pull towards him a little better. I may well be fooling myself, but at the moment that’s what I am feeling and it seems to be working.

S is coming over and this afternoon we’re going to be lovers. I am so crapping myself. I can’t really believe it’s happening and feel frightened that the months of yearning for him will cumulate in nothing very special. I don’t even know. But it seems like it’s going to happy and I am rolling with it. I wasn’t sure it was going to happen until about an hour ago, and shamefully, I took my frustration at the uncertainty of it out on T. I shouldn’t have, and I have apologised for my behaviour, but in the name of openness and honest communication, I should probably tell T why I was acting that way.

I don’t know how this afternoon is going to go, to be honest, it could be great, and everything I hoped and dreamed, or it could be incredibly awkward! So I’ve broken my no-booze rule and am currently enjoying a beer, just to take the edge off. I think it’s working. I wasn’t this nervous with M - in fact I felt positively serene when I went to meet him! I think it’s because of the history between S and I, and the build up. Because for a while, I genuinely felt as though my world would fall down around me if I even looked at him once more. It’s funny that there are people who, through no fault of their own, play a role in your life as The One For Whom I Would Lose Everything.

I really hope I am past that feeling now. Things with T are good, and they type of good that’s just going to get better, and really with the way things went with N, the last thing I need is to feel overly emotional again. I just want some peace. So perhaps introducing new lovers into the scene isn’t the wisest thing in the world. We will see. I don’t know if I am using this new phase of my life to mask another, potentially more secret pain (so secret that even I am not sure what it is) or if I am actually just okay with the whole thing. I think that I am, but if I am not, then I have to trust that I have the skills to get through the hurt and confusion. That’s what this whole journey is about.