Good Friday

So Friday didn’t really go quite as I’d planned. I think the upshot is that I’ve kind of totally misjudged S, and yesterday that became apparent.

He’s actually just someone that is coping with a break-up that has left him a bit shattered. He is non-responsive sometimes, and will avoid confrontation at all costs, but his confidence is at an all time low. Poor sod.

He came over, and we chatted for a little while, before he pulled me over towards him and kissed me. We have really different kissing styles, and to be honest I felt his was pretty tongue-centric. It was ok, just took some getting used to. We got naked, and started fooling around, when he slipped a finger straight in my arse - that was a complete fucking shock! It was ok I guess, but just surprising as I’ve never known anyone that has gone in straight for the kill like that. I had mentioned that I liked it, but I guess I hadn’t really articulated that it didn’t feel that good just on it’s own, more as an addition to regular fucking. Oh well.

I sucked him off for a while - he really has the most tremendous cock I have ever seen. It’s fucking huge and whilst not scary looking, ever so slightly intimidating because of the sheer girth. Far out. Then he went inside me, and it was really really tight. It was hard to feel anything really, because it wasn’t moving around very (due to size!) and then he came after about 30 seconds. I rode him for a bit more and then wanted to change positions, where it then became apparent that he was going to need a bit of a breather.

We fooled around a bit more, and then he suddenly stopped and said ‘I’ve just lost all my confidence - I am really sorry’. I tried to soothe him and brought him into my arms and he started to cry. I felt such compassion for him, it was awful to see him feel so bad. I don’t know whether what we’re doing is good for us, or whether it’s actually hurting him. I’d like to think that physical pleasure would give him succour, and that the friendship would become stronger, so he could then rely on somebody else a bit more, but I don’t know if he can do that. All of a sudden I know that I can, and I know that my emotional state is actually not the problem anymore.

Poor darling, I do just want him to be ok.

Wednesday

T and I are back on an even keel after what was a slightly rocky week or two. Back to enjoying each other, which is a relief.

We went to the cinema last night and I looked at his face, lit up by the screen. It is so familiar to me, almost more so than my own. It's home, and I've been reminded of that a lot recently. He still makes me laugh, laugh until I choke and there's something to be said for that. Indeed there is.

M is still away, and we're not in touch very much. In a way it's a blessing because I've been able to move through the horrible part of him being away and now the ache that I feel when I think of him is vaguely pleasurable, and recalling past escapades with him makes me weak at the knees and brings a smile to my face. I am fairly sure we'll see each other again when he's back, but am now at the point where it doesn't seem so vital.

I reprimanded myself for missing him, because in one way I should just accept it for what it is now. But I realised that I miss him because I genuinely like him on a friend level too, and just when we were getting to know each other he left. Oh well. Hopefully we can pick up where we left off.