Memories

M has gone again, and I find myself going over the last time we were together over and over in my head.

T has been unkind to me these last few days, and whilst I don't actually think he's cross with me, he's brought me to tears a couple of times and I tired of his mood. My time with M is a happy escape from that, and remembering it gives me solace and bittersweet pleasure. I wonder if T has picked up on that.

The more I think of Wednesday the less I can remember, which completely sucks but is perhaps my brain's way of forcing me not to dwell. Hopefully I shall see M soon!

He's becoming quite dear to me.

Well Hello M

So out of the blue last week I got a text from M - he had his phone turned off for three weeks because of problems with his ex-girlfriend. It’s a completely bullshit excuse but I was glad to hear from him and I didn’t feel like calling him on it, so I let it slide.

He was heading back to town for a night and asked me if I wanted to get together. Luckily I’ve been on holiday this week and so I was able to spend part of Wednesday day with him, and I cleared it with T so I could stay the night at M’s place. I was so happy to be going - really excited to see him again. I was out shopping in the morning with T’s sister (she doesn’t know the, um, status of our relationship) and M rang so I had to do a coy thing and be dying on the inside from happiness but on the outside seem like I was just having a normal conversation.

I got home just after lunch and M got into town at half two. We decided to meet at four, so I had a frantic de-hairing session and a calming bath to get my proverbial shit together. The texts from M got more frequent and I suddenly got the impression that he was fucking excited to see me too. My heart sang, but kind of in that confused way where I am happy for the attention now, but confused as to why it’s so intense now when for the last month I’ve not heard anything? Heard so little that I believed that it was over between us. I hate to think that his proximity to pussy increases the likelihood of getting attention from him. I hate to think that.

He met me out the front of his house, wearing his lovely cuddly grey hoodie. Happiness at seeing the hoodie again, more grey and cuddly than I remembered it.

We went to his room and he put his hand around my neck and pulled me to him, kissing me hard and giving me the love shakes. We lay down on his bed, and he undressed me, kissing me, and he dove between my thighs and started tasting me. I covered my eyes and let him eat me - it’s hard for me to let go and not be scared about someone having their face really rather close to my cunt. It felt good, no actually it felt pretty great, and I felt the fucking cosmic pleasure of having M eating me out. M! He Of The Distant Nature was licking my cunt and putting his fingers inside me. It was great. I took over after a while because my desire to cum was pretty great. I couldn’t get it together though, and after cramp set it I stopped forcing it.

The heavenly thing was feeling the pressure of his body on mine again. To feel how he was different to T, and just to see his lovely face again, and hear his lovely accent. I had missed him, my body had missed him, and it felt joyful to be right there next to him, surrounding him with myself and being with him.

We talked more frankly than we had last time, and it was refreshing. The nature of our relationship lends itself to intensity I guess. I think that’s quite common. We went to a deli and bought antipasti bits and strawberries and ate them while watching The Meaning of Life. I lay between his legs and the love shakes came when his kissed the top of my head. Which he did quite a lot. I took a picture of him and I have looked at it a lot in the last few days. He’s smiling, and I remember seeing the smile come across his face as I lined up the shot. It’s a pose, but a lovely one and that’s the M I think of, when I remember him.

We slept by each other in the night, and I woke him up for a 4am fuck. He kept saying ‘this is the first time we’ve slept together’. I slept terribly - I tend to in unfamiliar beds - but it was kind of ok, because I was conscious of the loveliness of having him right there.

In the morning he wore his usual face but said a couple of times that he didn’t want to go. It was an insight - I suddenly felt that that is the way M is. Not really one for wearing his heart on his sleeve, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a heart. But maybe I am making excuses.

He’s gone again now, and the wrench is awful. I’m not actually sure if I will ever get better at the goodbyes. I don’t know if feeling this ghastly is worth it. I know that it’s not going to last forever and I know he plans to move far far away. The missing him is exquisite.

Good Friday

So Friday didn’t really go quite as I’d planned. I think the upshot is that I’ve kind of totally misjudged S, and yesterday that became apparent.

He’s actually just someone that is coping with a break-up that has left him a bit shattered. He is non-responsive sometimes, and will avoid confrontation at all costs, but his confidence is at an all time low. Poor sod.

He came over, and we chatted for a little while, before he pulled me over towards him and kissed me. We have really different kissing styles, and to be honest I felt his was pretty tongue-centric. It was ok, just took some getting used to. We got naked, and started fooling around, when he slipped a finger straight in my arse - that was a complete fucking shock! It was ok I guess, but just surprising as I’ve never known anyone that has gone in straight for the kill like that. I had mentioned that I liked it, but I guess I hadn’t really articulated that it didn’t feel that good just on it’s own, more as an addition to regular fucking. Oh well.

I sucked him off for a while - he really has the most tremendous cock I have ever seen. It’s fucking huge and whilst not scary looking, ever so slightly intimidating because of the sheer girth. Far out. Then he went inside me, and it was really really tight. It was hard to feel anything really, because it wasn’t moving around very (due to size!) and then he came after about 30 seconds. I rode him for a bit more and then wanted to change positions, where it then became apparent that he was going to need a bit of a breather.

We fooled around a bit more, and then he suddenly stopped and said ‘I’ve just lost all my confidence - I am really sorry’. I tried to soothe him and brought him into my arms and he started to cry. I felt such compassion for him, it was awful to see him feel so bad. I don’t know whether what we’re doing is good for us, or whether it’s actually hurting him. I’d like to think that physical pleasure would give him succour, and that the friendship would become stronger, so he could then rely on somebody else a bit more, but I don’t know if he can do that. All of a sudden I know that I can, and I know that my emotional state is actually not the problem anymore.

Poor darling, I do just want him to be ok.

S again

So S and I have reconnected. It’s weird but I feel like I can handle it better now, with the buffer of M between us. S seems less vital to me now, and I feel as though I can handle the base pull towards him a little better. I may well be fooling myself, but at the moment that’s what I am feeling and it seems to be working.

S is coming over and this afternoon we’re going to be lovers. I am so crapping myself. I can’t really believe it’s happening and feel frightened that the months of yearning for him will cumulate in nothing very special. I don’t even know. But it seems like it’s going to happy and I am rolling with it. I wasn’t sure it was going to happen until about an hour ago, and shamefully, I took my frustration at the uncertainty of it out on T. I shouldn’t have, and I have apologised for my behaviour, but in the name of openness and honest communication, I should probably tell T why I was acting that way.

I don’t know how this afternoon is going to go, to be honest, it could be great, and everything I hoped and dreamed, or it could be incredibly awkward! So I’ve broken my no-booze rule and am currently enjoying a beer, just to take the edge off. I think it’s working. I wasn’t this nervous with M - in fact I felt positively serene when I went to meet him! I think it’s because of the history between S and I, and the build up. Because for a while, I genuinely felt as though my world would fall down around me if I even looked at him once more. It’s funny that there are people who, through no fault of their own, play a role in your life as The One For Whom I Would Lose Everything.

I really hope I am past that feeling now. Things with T are good, and they type of good that’s just going to get better, and really with the way things went with N, the last thing I need is to feel overly emotional again. I just want some peace. So perhaps introducing new lovers into the scene isn’t the wisest thing in the world. We will see. I don’t know if I am using this new phase of my life to mask another, potentially more secret pain (so secret that even I am not sure what it is) or if I am actually just okay with the whole thing. I think that I am, but if I am not, then I have to trust that I have the skills to get through the hurt and confusion. That’s what this whole journey is about.

March 2012, Never to be Forgotten, Never to be Repeated

I won’t pretend like I’ve not had the occasional thought that maybe I have made a terrible mistake, opening my relationship up. It has really made me realise that we all have this huge capacity to feel. Not even love or lust, but all kinds of emotion. I didn’t know I could feel so much!

I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself right now, because for all the excitement I’ve had in March, I am still on my own on a Saturday night, and just as alone as I was a month ago. I’ve had these amazing and surprising connections, and yet I still feel like none of them have really even touched me. I feel no closer to anyone.

That’s actually not true. The reason I keep coming back to, and that reassures me that this wasn’t a fuckup is that I am closer to T than I have ever been. We’ve been able to share much more than I thought was possible at this stage of our relationship.

I just feel sad right now.

The end of M

I don’t know if I am being melodramatic (I wouldn’t put it past me) or if my intuitions are bang on, again. 

But I have this sense that M is gone. It’s been almost a month now, and the daily texts dropped to every few days, and then a week went by and I had heard nothing. It was kind of ok, until it wasn’t and I realised I missed him, and that it was ok to miss him. He was a new friend, and I fucking care about him, and it’s ok for me to tell him that. He should know that I care for him, and that I am thinking of him. So after playing the game of not-texting-him-until-he-texts-me, which always ends badly, I rang him. I made a deal with myself that if he didn’t pick up, it was over. 

But he answered. We chatted briefly, and it was nice. It was so nice to hear his voice. 

But intimacy breeds intimacy, and that fucker is addictive. I wanted to hear from him even more. So I texted him the next day when I cut all my hair off. The crash from that one hurt. It’s hurting right now. I don’t know why I feel so shitty about all of it. I feel a fool, because I feel as though he would contact me if he wanted to speak to me. He hasn’t so, that means he doesn’t want to. Or can’t - and it’s that ‘can’t’ which is keeping me dragging along. Maybe something is wrong, and he can’t talk to me about it. Or maybe it’s over, and I am just not seeing it. I’m not angry, just really sad about it. I thought we were going to be friends, and I could really do with some of them. 

I also think that a 32 year old man would have the guts to just tell someone they didn’t want to be with them, or didn’t want to hear from them. The worst bit is that maybe he just thinks it’s not that big a deal. That him not responding is not that big a deal, and that when he comes back it will all go back to the way it was. It might, if I’m honest. I really like him and liked being with him. But what I am finally understanding is that he just doesn’t feel the same way. He thinks this is the way he should behave, and that it’s ok. Which maybe it should be, but it doesn’t make me feel less shitty. 

I had to delete his number and all his texts just so that I couldn’t make even more of a fool of myself and contact him again. God, I haven’t even been a psycho bitch, I’ve just been fucking nice, and I still end up feeling like Glenn Close. Fucking hell. 

So if he contacts me, great, but if not, with great sadness, it appears to be the end of M.